Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
