My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
