FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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