Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
