His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
