just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
