Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
