I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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