I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
