i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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