My friends, they love my intelligence
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
