what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
