I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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