i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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