Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
