There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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