I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
We smell like vodka and hangover
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
