id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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