I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
