im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
