that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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