I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
