Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
