dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
