Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
