Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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