I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
