I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize