What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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