two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize