her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
