The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
