i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
