So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
