He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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