hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My hand turned me down
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
