I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
