Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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