I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
