Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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