I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
