My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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