I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
