Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
