On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
