Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I could fuck to npr.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
