Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
