i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize