Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
