I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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