When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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