fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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