All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
