Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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