You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize