Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
