i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
