We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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