I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
