Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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