My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
